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Atheist Parenting

There is an interesting discussion over at PhD in Parenting in a post called Approaching Heaven, Mummies and Infinity about raising kids without religion. As happens to me a fair bit, I began to leave a comment that became so long I brought it over here and turned it into a blog post of my own. Thanks to Annie for the nudge.

My boys are now teens and tween and I have been shocked that "is there a god?" and related questions simply never came up. My boys never asked me "whether" questions about religion. They have only asked me "why would anybody think?" questions. "Why would anyone think there is a man above the clouds? Why would anyone think you go somewhere after you die?" Lots of "why would anyone think X is the answer to that question?"

To my knowledge, none of my boys ever even considered the existence of a god. They came home from time to time telling me what religious beliefs friends had. My main job has been to teach them to be respectful of beliefs with which they disagree unless the beliefs are hurtful. I could easily deal with "Jimmy thinks there is a heaven" with "that belief doesn't hurt anyone and you can disagree without being disrespectful." But "Jimmy thinks god says gays are bad" needed a discussion about when religious tolerance must stop because religious behavior is hurting people.

I fully expected at least one of my kids to give serious consideration to whether there is a god and am surprised none of them ever did. It seemed to me that children would be predisposed to think of magical answers to difficult questions. But my children have always wanted scientific answers to questions. My children want facts and if there is only theory, the theory needs a basis in reason and what we do know.

I happen to like magic. Fairy tales are lovely and it has been disappointing to me that my kids have shown so little interest in them. I also really want my children to think things out for themselves. I don't want them simply adopting my or their father's views on anything. And somewhere I read that it was normal for children to believe in god. That it made them fear uncertainty and death less. Well, definitely can't prove that by my kids. That mysteries could be explained by a higher power always seemed just plain dumb to my kids. Go figure. I didn't teach them that.

As younger children, religion didn't come up much but when it did I was always careful to say that, while I don't believe in a god, I am not necessarily right and they may choose to believe in god. When they went to school, they went to Quaker schools. My youngest went to mandatory "Meeting." If you haven't been a Quaker Meeting, there is no formal service. Members sit in silence and speak if they have something to say. I went to lots of Quaker meetings when I was involved (for many wonderful years) with the American Friends Service Committee. With great respect to Quakers (with the notable exception of Richard Nixon), I have to say I was really bored. But when my then-four year old went to Meeting, he found it calming and peaceful which makes perfect sense because it can be largely meditation. I suck at organized meditation but my son didn't. But there was no god involved for him. It was peaceful quiet time and he liked it.

When we started homeschooling, religion came up a lot because most of the organized homeschool groups in my area are dominated by fundamentalist Christians who believe it is their duty to make me feel unwelcome. I have not accepted Jesus as my personal savior so they don't want their kids playing with my kids. Yeah, I am bitter. I have no respect for that attitude. But I hid it from my kids because I didn't want them to know there are people we have never met who exclude us out of bigotry.

So my contribution to the discussion concerning what struggle one might have raising kids without religion is … well, there may be no struggle at all.

So what has your experience been? Did your kids ask religious questions without any prompting from you?

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November 12th, 2010 | Tags: , , , , , , - Category: Atheism, Homeschool, LGBT Issues, Mothering | 19 comments

Helping Your Kids Combat Homophobia on The National Day of Silence

Today is the 2009 National Day of Silence, a day to protest bullying and harassment of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people in schools. Begun in 1996 as a student protest at the University of Virginia, it has grown to participation by over 8,000 middle and high school, colleges and universities, throughout the U.S.  While the central act is a period of silence, today's activities draw attention both to the prevalence of anti-LGBT attacks in schools but also to entrenched homophobia among students and the silence on the part of society concerning it.

At 3:30 p.m. Eastern Time this afternoon I logged on to a Tweetchat of Day of Silence supporters. The feed was flooded with young people talking about how events had gone in their schools, how their teachers responded to their refusal to speak, whether they had been harassed for being LGBT or just being perceived as being LGBT. They talked about coming out to their parents and they talked about being afraid to. And this was on Twitter so this pain and anger and support and kinship all came in bursts of 140 characters. There were also allies like me in the chat – people who support the students and many who shared their own memories of being too afraid in school to be who they are.

Carl Walker-Hoover would have turned twelve years old today. However, after a school year of being bullied for "acting gay," Carl committed suicide last week. Reading about Carl's final note, leaving his Pokemon cards to his little brother, I could not help but think of my own boys his age. One of my sons loves the color pink and has taken a good bit of teasing for wearing the color whenever he can. My boys have also told me about how the word "gay" has, in the years between my childhood and theirs, become synonymous with "bad," "ugly," and "uncool."

My kids know lots of adults who are gay and we have had the discussion many times about how wrong it is use "gay" as an insult. But it is hard for them to share their feelings about this with their friends. Today I found a few videos at ThinkB4YouSpeak which provide some clear tips called "Don't Be Afraid to Tell Someone it's Not OK to Say That's So Gay."  I highly recommend them.

So with my kids we talk and, while I don't think they are old enough to hear about Carl Walker-Hoover's suicide, we have watched the ThinkB4YouSpeak videos.  We role play dealing with things friends say and do that is not okay.

What do you do at your house? How do you discuss homophobia and bullying at your house? Let's share our thoughts and ideas in the hope we will raise a generation of people who can proudly be whoever they are. Let's make sure there are no more children who feel the pain Carl Walker-Hoover did.

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April 17th, 2009 | Tags: , , - Category: Atheism, LGBT Issues, Mothering | 3 comments

I Still Can’t Be President

Tomorrow I will watch the U.S. presidential inauguration with my children and I will weep.  I will tell them that we are watching history, glorious history, something I never thought I would see in my lifetime.  I, like many people my age in the U.S., never thought I would live to see an African-American president.

I grew up in a country in which only rich white men could be president.  I grew up certain I could never be the leader of my country.  People who grew up in poverty, like me, could not be president.  People who were female, like me, could not be president.  People who were Jewish, like me, could not be president.  When I was born, the country had its first Catholic president.

Well, despite all the hope the election of Barack Obama brings to me and to my children, someone like me could not be elected president in the U.S. today.  I feel sure I will live to see a woman elected president.  I think there is a decent chance I will live to see a Jew elected president.  But I am also an atheist and that fact alone would likely prevent my election.

In a February 2007 Gallup Poll Americans were asked:

whether they would vote for "a generally well-qualified" presidential candidate nominated by their party with each of the following characteristics: Jewish, Catholic, Mormon, an atheist, a woman, black, Hispanic, homosexual, 72 years of age, and someone married for the third time.

In my view, all of these characteristics are irrelevant to qualification to hold office.  Happily, only 5% responded they would not vote for someone who was black.  Good news and the subsequent election proved the respondents were largely truthful.   Seven percent would not vote for a Jew and only 11% answered they would not vote for a woman.

I was sad, but not surprised, that 43% would not vote for someone if he or she was gay.  However, the only single characteristic that would prevent more than half of the respondents from voting for a candidate was atheism. Because I do not believe in a god, 53% of the respondents would not vote for me.

I thought about this poll quite a bit yesterday while I was watching the We Are One performance at the Lincoln Memorial.  Virtually every song had a mention of god or prayer.  Virtually every performer mentioned god or said "God Bless You" to the crowd.

Tomorrow, the U.S. Constitution requires that Barack Obama say:

I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.

Nothing else.  He chooses to use the bible (not all presidents have).  He chooses to add "so help me God" (not all presidents have).  And the ceremony will include not one but two prayers (prayer was not part of U.S. presidential inauguration until 1937) – one prayer delivered by a man with a history of anti-gay positions.

I will weep tomorrow, as I did on election night watching the tears of civil rights leaders like Jesse Jackson and the crowds of people who, like me, never thought they would see this happen.  I will tell my children again about what I think the election of a black president means in this country for people who are different and historically disenfranchised.  But as an atheist, much of the day will be a slap in the face.  On a day all about a new era of inclusion, I will still be on the outside looking in.  And I can't tell my kids that even they can be president some day because if they grow up to be atheists like their parents, probably they can't.

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January 19th, 2009 | Tags: , , - Category: Activism, Atheism | 7 comments