Continuing the series in which I answer the questions posted at Blue Milk (sadly interrupted by my technical difficulties). Today is Part 2. You can see Part 1 here.
5. Do you ever feel compromised as a feminist mother? Do you ever feel you’ve failed as a feminist mother?
I don't think so. I wish that my children had seen me out in the world earning more money and that "daddy goes out to work, mommy works at home" didn't seem to translate into "mommy has less power in the world." But I don't think that is me failing – I think that is the society failing me and I try to make sure my children know that.
I hope my kids see that part of being a feminist is engaging in the feminist struggle. They definitely see me struggling. The challenge often is showing my anger without letting my kids think that I am angry at them for being a force that holds me back. I often tell them that how society treats me because I am a mother holds me back and it isn't their fault- but I know there are times they blame themselves. How could they not? It may be in those moments when I can't hide my unhappiness from my children that I am failing as a feminist mother. Or maybe not. I visit this question a lot.
6. Has identifying as a feminist mother ever been difficult? Why?
No. I think there are people who don't understand what I mean when I identify as a feminist mother. It is difficult that my political positions as a feminist mother are often dismissed. I am infuriated by the Bill Mahers of the world who deny that motherhood is a political identity as important as any other.
And there are people who think I can't be a feminist if I [fill in the blank]. "You can't be a feminist if you breastfeed on demand." "You can't be a feminist if you let having kids change or limit your career choices." "You can't be a feminist if you homeschool your kids." Well, I can and I am. And … well … fuck you for thinking you can decide whether I am a good enough feminist.
7. Motherhood involves sacrifice, how do you reconcile that with being a feminist?
How are sacrifice and feminism difficult to reconcile? Sacrifice is part of life, part of living in society, part of being in human relationships. If my children thought motherhood involved sacrifice but fatherhood didn't, then I would have failed as a feminist mother.
Feminism is not just about women having more or women having as much as white men. It is about fairness and balance. It means that the oppressed have more and that the oppressors have less. There is nothing anti-feminist about sacrifice – feminism requires sacrifice. Feminism is not the right to become the oppressor – it is the elimination of oppression. Switching places with the oppressor, or replacing yourself in the social hierarchy with someone else, is not feminist.
It is anti-feminist if I am the only one sacrificing for my children. Our society needs to recognize that we all need to sacrifice for all children and redistribute obligation accordingly.
8. If you have a partner, how does your partner feel about your feminist motherhood? What is the impact of your feminism on your partner?
I don't know how he feels. I have always been a feminist and, as far as I know, so has he.
As for impact on him, he works harder on maintaining the household than he would (I guess) were I not a feminist. I believe maintaining the household (cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry) is not part of mothering and that he must do as much of that as I do even if I am home with the kids. If I were not a feminist, I might think I had some biological imperative to do dishes and then he wouldn't have to.
There is more but it is private.
The last two questions in Blue Milk's meme are biggies so I am saving them for a post of their own. Check back for Part 3 in which I will give my take on:
9. If you’re an attachment parenting mother, what challenges if any does this pose for your feminism and how have you resolved them?
and
10. Do you feel feminism has failed mothers and if so how? Personally, what do you think feminism has given mothers?
If you are interested in what you are reading, please comment and tell your friends about this blog. I'll try to keep my technological mishaps to a minimum and keep the posts coming.
It’s intersting, the USA/UK differences here. My feminism as a brestfeeding on demand, work in the home, attached mother, is never doubted in the activist circles I’m in. This might be because I don’t shut up about the patriarchy trying to stop me attach parent, it may be because when I do attend political events, I’m usually in the company of other mothers and babies – all of them African. It’s accepted that African mothers will attend events with their babies, both from a cultural perspective, and from the working class issue of lack of affordable child care. Most African mothers at these events, are in the aslym systemn, and have little money for food, so there is an acceptance of their babies and children, as ‘they have to be there’. This has included our Houses of Parliament, where I trawl in with a toddler on my hip. I think my class status, as working class, protects me here. The rise in working class attached Mamas, is helping. Somehow, if you are middle class, and baby wearing, it’s less ‘real’ than if you are working class, and such.
Also, that breastfeeding is a feminist issue is now really being discussed, and embraced, in the UK. Formula feeding as a feminist issue is being seen as, and discussed, for what it is – a pseudo-feminist trap. A tool of patriarchy. You’re not alone Mama!
The author of the ten questions, Blue Milk, is an Australian who originally posed these question in October of 2007. I haven’t made it through all the responses (hit my link to her original post to see them all) but these questions seem to me to be so useful in part because they lead to more questions. I totally agree that feminism can’t be divorced from class issues. I think US feminists are behind the curve on this just as the US is so often behind the UK on issues of political diversity. Here in the US we are very much trapped in the “mommy wars” – an easy way to keep us arguing among ourselves rather than turning our attention to the real issues.
One point you make really needs to be made clear to lots of people: “sacrifice” is not something that happens just to mothers, feminists or women. Everyone makes sacrifices and compromises in life, and a great number of them revolve around our families. Men also make career and money decisions based on their families’ needs, and no one thinks that is a horrible thing. And it’s not just parents who sacrifice for their children. I know plenty of adult children who move to a different location to help out with elderly parents, for example. Well, I’ll stoe because I can’t see what I am typing@
This piques my interest because this addresses the question what makes a human being, a human being? How do we judge and value things in life? If we have a materialism, naturalist view, we look at utility. But sometimes the things that are discarded as non-utilitarian become the scaffolding that holds the universe together! There is purpose in the insects that drive us crazy, there is an inter-weaving in the universe that goes beyond our immediate understanding. MOthering has been relegated to a necessary “evolutionary” practice as if the housing of genetic material is the real. When material foundations collapse, then the real shines out – untouchable qualities that mothering nourishes – like love, caring, sharing, anger, and defense. Too me that is not feminist. It is human. It is the imago Dei.
Twitter: Jakearyehmarcus
This is interesting Jane but I am a little confused. I don’t see an inconsistency between the feminist and the human in what you describe. I think “love, caring, sharing, anger, and defense” are utilitarian and human and feminist. Am I missing your point?
“Materialism” has different political definitions. I tend to associate it with marxist analysis while “naturalist” I might associate with “essentialism.” Lots of “multiple interpretation” terms here.
FYI everyone – I just fixed my log-in so I show up as “Jake” instead of “admin” but it is still me.
Fantastic responses – very thought-provoking and I’ll post a link to your site shortly. Thanks.
Twitter: Jakearyehmarcus
Thanks Blue Milk.
Part 3 is coming. 
Mothers…
Our mothers are the people who give birth to us and care for us until we are capable of looking after ourselves…